Man on a Mission

As I waited for the M train at Delancey Essex heading to work at one CUNY's central office, I noticed a man on the other side of the station. He was probably in his mid forties, early fifties, scruffy looking. He wore a white dressing shirt tucked into his khaki pants, pants that were at least 1 or 2 sizes too big. Standing to what seemed no taller than 5'5 and wearing large black frame glasses and a cap, this man gave me either Christian vibes or Veteran. As I followed him through the platform with my eyes, I couldn't make out what his cap said, but then I saw him hand a piece of paper to someone. Christian.

The man was a believer spreading the lord's name. That's not uncommon in New York, but for some reason this caught my attention. Maybe it had something to do with me doing a 15 minute stretching video this morning. Usually that helps center me and ground me so that I can be present to what I'm feeling and experiencing. I was present alright. I was present to my body and how much I lean sideways, no wonder the heels of my shoes wear out mostly on the sides. I never really stand straight. But there I was present to myself and to my experience of observing that man. He actually walked up to every single person on that platform. Some looked up and took the paper, others shook their heads. Again, not uncommon for New Yorkers  to be like, "nah I'm good." But for the first time I was curious about this man's reason, his why.

Why does he, at six thirty in the morning walk up to every single person and give them a piece of paper? I watched him go from person to person with the same gesture, no eye contact, no small talk, just extending his hand with a piece of paper. He doesn't have any kind of reaction to people's responses. If they take the paper great, if they don't, he keeps it moving. He doesn't personalize their actions and responds the same way, keeps it moving.

I couldn't help but wonder, is this man's reason for doing what he does that strong? Is he driven by spreading the word to as many people as possible? If that's the case, doesn't it matter if people actually read what's on the paper? If they're not reading it, did the man really accomplish something?

This made me think about my own why. Why do I do what I do? Is my why strong enough to stay persistent and on task even when others say no or when I don't get the results I was hoping for? Am I even clear on what that results are? 

To me it seemed he didn't really care about people's no. I wondered was he at peace with himself for just handing out the paper out of obligation, commitment or force? 

Either way, he just gave out the paper. Was he trying to show others how God saves people, that by him being there, taking that action that somehow demonstrates he's been saved? If he's saved, I wondered from what? What sins lie behind his actions that somehow for him it's worth going to over 30 people in less than 9 minutes to hand out a piece of paper? Is he being saved from human tendencies, or "ungodly thoughts"? Does he feel that if he takes these actions that somehow God will forgive his thoughts or actions?

I wondered about the actions I take. What do they say about me? What does me showing up say? What does me speaking to people say and what do I hope to get out of it? Does it really matter why I do what I do? Is it about quality or quantity? I couldn't tell by this man's actions what his why is but I could tell that he was a man on a mission.

Was it a personal or spiritual mission? Are those two really any different? Is it lIke my twin sister Nina who had a psychotic break in 2010 and was convinced that she was chosen by God to spread his word. Was I witnessing someone who was in the midst of a break from "reality?"

I wonder what kind of mission he was on. He walked to one side of the platform and gave out a paper to each person there. He then walked to the center of the platform to go up the stairs to the upper level. He seemed content with his work. But just as he started to make his way up, he turned around, almost as if he had a huge realization. And with the same expressionless look on his face, he started giving out that piece of paper to the people on the other side of the platform.

As he disappeared to the other side of the platform, some people on my side started walking towards where the train stops. I adjusted my posture and started to slowly walk in the same direction although I had not myself seen the train or heard it. I wondered how it was so easy for me to follow their lead. I wondered why, then I remembered that they had a different perspective than I did, one that I could not see. They saw the timer overhead. They had a perspective that I didn't, and when I realized that, I followed their lead.

I wonder if that man was doing the same thing, not so much going with his own needs/wants, but following someone else's lead who may have a different perspective than him, but one that he trusted. I looked to the side, where the stair on my side of the platform was hoping he would come down and start his round on my side. Just because I'm the way I am, I would ask him why he was doing that and I would even miss my train to find out.

Just like him, I was heading in a certain direction, not sure if it's one that I want or need, but right now it feels necessary. But is the work I do within itself necessary, or am I just doing a bunch of shit that to an observer seems weird, pointless or maybe even interesting? Is it worth it to keep going even if someone takes what I have to offer or says no?

Either way, what I learned in that moment is that my observing this man did not impact his work, his actions, so why are we so easily bothered by observers who contribute nothing to the work we are doing?

As the doors closed, I knew I wouldn't get that chance to find out why, but it really doesn't matter. At the end of the day he did whatever he needed to do regardless of the reason why. No matter the why, what was apparent was that he was doing the work, whatever the work is and I really hoped for his sake, the he was able to get to every single person on the other side of the station.