My Art Work

I wasn't sure what to name this piece until someone asked me, are the petals coming closer to the flower or moving away? When I looked at it, it was neither. Each individual petal was an extension of itself. 

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This piece represents how I feel in my life, scattered as if it all fit and at the same time not quite that well. I loved the idea that all parts of me can exist in different ways and in different quantities. They are all an extension of me. 

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I started with a green background. It reminded me of peacocks, my twin sister's spirit animal, beautiful and vibrant. The colors called to me and when I started to play around with the yellow dots, the piece took on a life of its own. 

This piece was a reflection of my broken heart. I couldn't put into words the grief I was experiencing after losing my twin. Her death left me feeling confused, out of place and my heart felt as if it were surrounded by so much darkness. Maybe it was a representation of how our minds was.

 

I painted the heart first because the blood is pumping through no matter how bad I'm hurting. I thought of the blood that has been dripping into mine from my mother's own bleeding heart, the pain and aches she's carried over the years and how my heart has been dripping into my world, children and loved ones. I then used a brush to show how the darkness tries to make it's way into my heart, but there is always this lightness, this beauty that surrounds it. That space surrounding my heart reminds me of spirit and my God that serves as a coating to my heart, and which I am grateful for. 

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Although my broken heart is still dripping, it connects to the darkness of grief. Grief reminds me that there was someone in the world that I loved and is no longer here. I guess that grief is not really that bad after all. It makes sure that my heart is still pumping and dripping. 

I've always known that everyone will die. That's never scared me. It made me sad, but not scared. My mother always spoke so fondly of God and the beings of light that it didn't scare me to think of leaving this world. I've never been afraid until my twin Nina died. She passed away tragically when we were in our early thirties. Her death brought to the forefront of my mind that this life IS temporary and that death could be painful. 

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Nina left so much behind and I was left to pick up the pieces. This painting represents the work that I chose to do while she was gone, raising her daughters until they turned eighteen and supporting with her grand daughter. These hands reminded me that as twins we were part of each other and are still supporting one another in different realms, me in the physical, her in the spiritual. 

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I would have rather do this life with her, but this is what it is. I wish I didn't have paint pieces of my identity on a canvas, but during this period of my life it was the only place my heart could speak. I miss my sister everyday and it makes me sad how painful her death was. I guess it doesn't matter because coming to the world can be as painful as leaving it. 

My mother never really talked to my sister and I about sex. She would just tell us not to let any man touch us down there and that our breast would drop. My curiosity was always stronger than anyone's warnings, even my mothers. I don't think I was aware of having a vagina until I was about elven years old and a man I thought liked me tried to put his hands inside my underwear. He was about three times my age, married with children. I don't recall how I ended up in that situation, and honestly I don't think it matters. No grown ass adult has any business with a minor, regardless of the circumstances. 

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He was my first kiss. I was so excited about it thinking that it would be like in the Disney movies. It was nothing like that. It was a man that was bigger and stronger than me. His tongue felt like a hard foreign object in my mouth and I could only describe that experience as repulsive. His desperateness to feel me to have me scared me. I had not yet experienced desire at that point in my life, or passion. I just wanted a sweet kiss, instead I got this fear that traveled through my body. When he tried to squeeze his big hand into my tight jeans, I grabbed him by the wrist and wouldn't let it go until he retreated. No one had ever touched me before, at least not that I could or wanted to remember. The illusion of a first kiss shattered and any thought of sweetness between a man and a woman completely disappeared. 

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My young mind replaced Disney kisses with that of Novelas, where men just took what they wanted, even against a woman's will. I wasn't going to be those women. As I got older I learned to disconnect from my body and become hyperaware of any sexual experience. I wouldn't allow myself to get caught off guard like that again. I also learned that I couldn't trust men to lead because they would lead me to where they wanted, with little to no care of where I was in my journey and what I needed. So I learned to take initiative. I've been okay with that. As a woman I've heard from men in my life that I'm too bossy or that I need to stop trying to always be in control. 

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If they only cared to know why I'm that way instead of expecting me to change.  

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I've been in this masculine energy so long in order to protect the gentleness and softness of my spirit, my body, and my heart. 

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It would have been nice to be taught what the gentle loving touch of a man was. However, having a man in a child's life does not guarantee a child is safe. 

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It really sucks that young children have to experience adult shit way before they are ready, and at the same time Disney movies paint a whole different picture. It also sucks, because all I wanted to do was have the taste of sweet gentle lips and a strong embrace that would help me feel safe. I learned very quickly that a girls' pretty vagina was not safe in a man's hands, literally. 

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When I started this paining, the stroke of the brush took led the way and a yellow painting in the form of a vagina took shape. 

When I first started working on this painting, I was hoping to replicate the red as a flame, but it ended up being what it is, the inside of a vagina covered by lips/layers of protection. I wasn't sure where I was going but as the colors mixed I was excited and took on a different understanding of protection from the inside out. 

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This image of a vagina and it's many layers represented the tenderness of a woman and the many layers that protect it. The inside of the vagina being no different than the inside of our body, our heart, something so gentle yet filled with fire, passion and gentleness, all at the same time. I'm in awe by those parts of our body that are protected and also, to some extent decorated by the other layers of ourselves. For me my heart is layered with my creativity, my passion and my spirituality. 

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I no longer feel the need to protect myself. I'm open to the gifts of the universe and I'm learning that all parts of me deserve to exist but that they don't need to all be exposed in the same time, in the same way. 

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I've also learned that the work to heal and protect is something that happens from the inside out. 

By the time I was getting ready to graduate from my Bachelor's program, I had given birth to three children. I had a crazy schedule and knew that there may be something "wrong" with me. Being in school can cause high stress, but there were times that I would stay up way past my bed time and go into rabbit holes, searching shit up. At the end of my rabbit hole journey there was nothing that I would "find". It was more a collection of information that was irrelevant and useless at 3 in the morning. I thought that was normal behavior, and it wasn't until I was in my late thirties, after Nina had passed, I had graduated from my Master's program, and was living with my partner that I realized that just maybe I was not "ok". My mind was running wild causing me to feel "off" and mentally desperate as if I couldn't find my footing. 

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In an tempt to get a hold of my life and my mind, I ended up moving into my own place. Eventually I started to find pieces of the ground again and I knew I was ready to address what my mind, body and spirit. I decided to get a mental evaluation and the diagnosis came back as Bipolar II. Bipolar is a mental condition that alternates between episodes of highs and lows. There are two different types of Bipolar. For me the biggest difference between the two is the hallucinations, severity and duration of episodes. I wasn't having hallucinations, but I knew that if left it untreated, I would be just like my twin, and I would be more likely to be hospitalized for depressive states like my mother. I didn't want any of those. After getting the diagnosis, I found a therapist that was trauma informed and requested sessions 2x a week. I needed some boot camp therapy, because I was dealing with some deep shit. 

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I get easily dysregulated, throwing me off my game. I can't think straight and can't seem to get myself together. One day I was having a very heated conversation with someone and I felt as though I wanted to explode. I looked over at my desk after speaking to the person, and noticed my paint supplies. I needed to get whatever was in me out in a more constructive way. So I painted. I mixed colors that reflected my emotional state. The base is all red. When I was painting it, the red was too strong and I ended up mixing more balanced colors, yellow and green. I wanted the texture of the paining to show my ups and downs and my all over the place feelings. I think it captured just that. By the time I was done, I laid on the floor of my creative space, took a deep breath and fell asleep. I was exhausted.

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Now when I look at it, this piece reminds me of the emotional and physical exhaustion that my mind and body can go through when I'm triggered. It's a reminder to avoid people and places that can dysregulate me. Since then, I've limited my conversations with that person, and have become more aware of my needs. Bipolar can't be "fixed" but I'm learning that by looking straight at it and addressing it with the right people, I can work through it and it doesn't have to consume me, my life, mind, body or spirit.